when i was younger i used to wear this shirt that said "No Fear"...and yees, that is me a la izquierda...and yees, i was a wee bit chubster back then...dun be jealous! anyway, let's talk about fear slash no fear.
"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding."
colossians 1:9
my people, i, too, want to know the knowledge of His will, because i am more than thoroughly convinced that I am definitely in the middle of a lesson learned.
you will probably remember 'essay time,' especially since it was only written two days ago...which is good since this is basically part two.
SO, the day is sunday, and i'm coming home early in the morning to go to church. i'm taking BART back with my homey, who just so happened to be present at la burrita during said events of 'essay time,' and when we're waiting for the bart train, these four gangsters come over and start messing with us. basically they're like "where you from..." "i know you can't be from berkeley cause I am from berkeley" etcetchera etcetchera... so when the train comes they don't get into the same car as us so i'm like "whoo, relief" so we go sit down in these seats that i thought would be safe, since there were a lot of people in that area. but...negatchory. they come into our car and surround us and start messing with us. one of them sits in front of me, turns around and like puts his hand on the lump my cell phone is making in my jeans pocket and i'm like "it's over, i'm dead and in heaven." then one of them goes to my friend and is like "what you got in your pockets" and he starts jiggling his belt as if he got a gun stashed under there...and the true azn gangster i'm with says "nothing for you" in an excellently intimidating tone that would've made me laugh under any other circumstance. luckily*, all of this is going down right as we're about to pull into the next station, so we get up and go to leave. then one of them puts his hand into my butt pocket and grabs my wallet...and i really should've let him just take it, but instead i like turned around said "excuse me" and yanked the wallet back...oh man i could've just died. so we get off the train and i'm pretty surprised they don't follow us. so we're unscathed, but i'm mildly/very shaken up and like "what the why............it's only 8:30...the gangsters should be getting they rest right about now!" so to wrap up this juicy anecdote, we make it back into the city all safe and sound, and we're physically unhurt afterwards...the whole situation ended much better than i thought it could've.
so what are the chances that mastersamuel has encounters with shady characters twice in one weekend?!?! especially when they've never happened befo'? i don't know the chances, but i do know that it happened on purpose. see...i was supposed to meet my friend at a bus stop to catch the bus to the bart station, but i took too long to, i dunno, put on my contacts, so i made us miss that bus...if we had made it, would we have eluded said almost-mugging? i'm not sure.
but anyway, when we got off the bart train we waited for the next one and i'm standing next to this pillar where someone graffitied the phrase "fear is a lie" next to this telephone.
and i'm just like......"WHAT MY WORD!" definitely, without a doubt, a sign. and then i remember, from teaching this verse like three summers at kcdc:
"do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the lord your god will be with you wherever you go" joshua1:9b
such truths! God was def with us...for one, we didn't actually get mugged (although it felt like we did), we got out safely, and God definitely allowed me to learn from this situation.
so was God teaching me just to not fear...to face a frikkin scary sitch and in the middle of that, feel no fear? that's kinda difficult, yo. but again, i'm not sure...i'm asking Him to reveal his will to me...see what he wants me to take from this.
cause i'm pretty sure there could be other lessons taken from this incident.
afterwards, i was definitely glad i was with somebody...and during the rest of our trip back home i tried to put us in the middle of a lot of people...is God emphasizing the importance of company to me? the security when you can surround yourself in others?
or is he teaching me a lesson about blending in...when we were alone in the bart station we were easy targets...the only ones there (except for this one homegirl on a bike, who i thought would stick with us so we could stay safe in numbers...but instead she bounced once she saw the gangStarz....which is a good thing i guess because i was semi-tempted to thieve her bike and get out of there with a quickness)....but if we hid amongst others we'd def be safe. is god saying: when you were alone and exposed and vulnerable you def went through some hardships, and a difficult and uncomfortable experience, but in the end you learned from it and you came out of this tribulation stronger...but when you bury yourself in the crowd and hide behind others, sure you'll be comfortable and safe but you won't learn through experience...?
i'm not sure.
all i know, is that it was one KLAYZIE weekend and God deserves some surrrious praise for taking us through it safely. oooh to the whee....things be crazy!
if i experience a third strike in this Showdown Series, imma transfer! berkeley you one crazy place!
*however, i'm fairly convinced it wasn't luck. it was g-o-d in a-c-t-i-o-n.
aite, this is gonna take a long time to read. so here's some mood music:
and here we go:
Last night at intervarsity large group, the speaker delivered a message about shame and inadequacy…how Jesus takes something we’d consider shameful and transforms it into something that glorifies him. He referenced john 2:1-11, a story in which a family runs out of wine at a wedding (meaning they overestimated their abilities to supply for a party) but homeboy Jesus transforms water into wine and saves them from public humiliation. But the bigger message is that in the big picture, Jesus steps in and turns our insecurrrities into glorifying lessons.
At the time, I didn’t think much of the message. Maybe a couple of weeks ago there was a message that I felt applied to events I had already experienced…but last night I found the message to be applicable to something that happened after the message was delivered…if that makes sense.
so after large group we played Munchkin, this nerdtastic game that can get really exciting and hurt people’s feelings…it’s great. Afterwards, a couple of us went to get some food at la burrita whereupon we basically witnessed this vocalized tussle between this loudmouthed, ignorant fool and some other dude. So we’re waiting for our food and basically the instigator of this smackdown starts addressing us…and for the most part I’m feigning deafness and ignoring him…but there was definitely a point where my heart started beating faster and I could feel my anxiety sweats kicking in…basically all my fight or flight instincts. Anyway, the logistics of the throwdown is not the focus of this essay, so imma end the story there.
Basically afterwards I couldn’t sleep and I was just lying in my bed thinking…and that’s when the shame and inadequacy message kicked in.
See, I feel like if anyone else were in my position during the situation, they’d be focusing on self-restraint, making sure they wouldn’t lose they cool and immediately knock out the said loud man. But, honestly, I wasn’t. I don’t get angry…Someone asked me when the last time I got angry was…and the last time I got sincerely angry is when one of the 7-year olds at day camp made fun of another kid…kinda inane, yeah? I think most people would say it’s “good” to be quick to listen and slow to anger, but when I think about my own hesitation, I’ve always viewed it as cowardice. That, unlike most guys, I’d be scared in a fight. I can think of three significant confrontations where violence seemed imminent and in all of them, I feel like I was never the first one to step in. first, in sophomore year I was at a party when shoving started happening and then when one side started mentioning the guns they were about to bust out, I was just about ready to up and leave that place. Then, maybe two weeks later my family was walking back to our car after a Chinese new year dinner and this car almost backed up into my little cousin…so our uncle is yelling at the driver and he’s yelling back and people are holding people back… now, don’t get me wrong…if a fight were ever to break out, I’d for sure jump in and bust out some capoeira slash green-belt tae-kwon-do SKILLZ with a capital S-K-I-L-L-Z…cause I got your back like that… but I avoid violence until it becomes a self defense kinda thang.
Okay, so back to shame and inadequacy….so as I’m lying in bed thinking of these things, I just felt ashamed…cause in my mind I was not fitting the mold of the Protector I feel like the world wants all guys to be…and it’s been a kind of common thread in my life…not fitting the mold, that is.
I wrote one of my college personal statements on it:
“Thursdays meant basketball practice. Therefore, Thursdays were a day to dread. It was apparent that even as a little kid, I lacked the bare-minimum skill that even peewee basketball required. And still, I endured six years of being benched, yelled at, and humiliated. Evidently, my “effort” wasn’t enough. I was certain that in order to live up to my fabricated image of boyhood I had to train myself to become an athlete. Basketball brought me no satisfaction, yet I was determined to prove I was athletically adept.
However, my family eventually stepped in to show me my dream’s hollow nature. When I was in middle school, they confessed they could see me beating myself up for something they knew I didn’t want. They explained that I did not have to fit a certain mold or live up to a particular standard in order to be content. The bottom line was that if I were forced to do something I didn’t enjoy, it would be meaningless. I finally quit basketball and immediately felt relieved and unburdened……” then it goes into some lame conclusion that’s irrelevant.
Yeah…when I was growing up I felt like such an unconventional boy. My brother played with the GI Joes and watched batman on Saturday mornings, I think I had animal figurines (holla!). and I always thought my relatives found it odd when I told them I stopped playing basketball and started dancing… I knew what made me happy and I stuck with it, but I was aware that I was going against the grain.
And that’s where Jesus steps in. He says “MasterSamuel, YOU is my beloved.” in past weeks I’ve begun to realize that we don’t need to prove anything to anybody. We studied the passage about Jesus’s temptation, and he did not need to complete any of Satan’s challenges to prove He was the Son of God. During his baptism, He was acknowledged by God as His Son, whom He loves (Jesus hadn’t even started his ministry yet, hadn’t done anything visibly miraculous, I don’t think…and still God done love him)….and that’s enough. It’s enough for me too! God does not need us to do anything to prove our worth…i don’t need to get into the college i think i need to go to, or get into a dance crew, or gospel choir, or get re-elected for student council (oooh wee that was a tough time though), or be anything I thought I needed to be. I am God’s beloved creation, and that’s enough. And when we sometimes think it isn’t enough, and are feeling crummy about things, Jesus steps in and trades our shame and sorrow for something better – Him!
So I know this may come off as either a) incoherent or b) preachy, so I apologize. I’m pretty sure I didn’t articulate everything as clearly as I would’ve hoped to…that’s why I only bust out the Cry Me a River essays every now and then.
“this is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us…” 1john 4:10
GOD, WHY YOU SO EGGZELLENT FOR?
AMENDMENTS:
-now I don’t think this means I’m gonna settle with being a coward, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7) so God is on my side…with a spirit of POWER…that’s good stuff!!!
before viewing this video, please keep this life verse in mind:
1 Corinthians 4:7
"For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?"
*azn is to asian as aza is to asia...just so, uhh, you know.
in the past week i've encountered many enjoyable asian youtube vijjeos.
but before that, here's a sometimes humorous website: mymomisafob.com
yees...my mom ain't a fob, but i wish i was (shhh...dun tell no one)
and now, the azn film reel.
first off, this crazy contest where these fools see who can sing the highest without using falsettos...just watch after 4:00...it fills me with crazy pride for my homeboys and their larynxes and tracheas and such in the homeland.
then, my newest embarrassing enjoyment...Big Bang, the korean pop boy band...
first, some happy festive tunes with lil boys:
then this angry, buff tool!
also, did you know that some videos on youtube (although the only ones i could find were of korean pop music) can be viewed in supah clear HD version!?!?! i highly recommend...it's crazy
and then bang bang tang doing it up in mandarin...
i don't think i've even watched this video all the way through...but they just so feminine they deserve a shoutout.
and finally there are some americans doing they thing.
that is all. watch all the vijjeos...i picked them JUST FOR YOU.
you know i've always been up front with you about my nose bleeds. exhibit a.
that is why after what i just experienced, i felt an urgency to share with you my story.
so check it, i'm taking a shower...the radio's on, my lather is all up in my unfortunate haircut...basically, life is good. then i feel saltiness in my mouth so i open it and all of a sudden this huge dollop of bloody saliva comes spewing
out and trickles down my six-pack in a mottled river of alluvial crimson. yikes, right!
so at first i seriously thought i was dying cause i thought the blood was coming from inside my mouth...as if i developed some phantom hemorrhage behind my buck teeth. but really it was coming from my nose...crazy!
i had to lean forward and pinch my nose for it to stop...wasted about 3 extra minutes of shower water! my b, earth!
point of the story: enjoy life. don't freak out when fatty ploppets (is that a word) of blood exit your body at random moments.
oh yee, happy birthday riley! i think you're going to grow up to be a very intelligent youngun
proof that i know you...that's my right hand pointing at your plastic keys.
i'm sorry your shoutout comes after a story of blood and showers.
say hey to room 311 and the celebrities that inhabit it!
that's right...i know two of the two new members of Artists In Resonance which is this sickkk with a triple-K acapella group on campus
they're gonna be singing like so:
well that concludes that.
and now, the return of....
WEEKEND UPDATE
Friday, January 30, 2009
possibly one of the most productive fridays i've had in a while...i woke up at about 10ish and went to the RSF at berkeley to play...basketball. yee, i know...you're jealous, impressed, and confused at the same time. i haven't touched a basketball since my 17th birthday (vivid memory) and haven't played basketball since middle school...so that was ridiculous.
later on we went the the pre-audition workshop for movement...it was pretty fun. hard, but fun.
then oliver, aaron, amber, and i had to shower quickstyle and get on bart to come back to san francisco...ernest picked us up and after getting a delizzious meal at nation's, we went to church for the ck1+college freshman combo...we had a photo scavenger hunt at pier39...i was quite convinced we were gonna ace that thang but we ended up not even placing...outrageous.
afterwards, they all came to the go casa where wii was played and heavyweights was disrespected (since all of us fell asleep during it...rude)
Satchurday, January 31, 2009
as i recall, this day was ridiculous. we woke up, ate pho at turtle tower, then watched beauty and the geek. i drove them back to bart, and fell asleep...until 11pm. crazy waste! in my anger, i won't even elaborate on whatever happened after that...cause i forget.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
went to breakfast with ed,chris,horseman...church...lunch at noreiga okazu ya, and then back to church for the first kcdc training...i'm excited for the summer
then ada and i went to the deYoung for a photoshoot...holla!
i'm surprised i didn't break her camera...cause it was not a crackin' day...
but we took some:
jumping photos
some not so serious photos
some stately photos
and some RIDIKULUS photos
haha! i laugh whenever i look at myself trying to be fake serious
oh yeah i also got an unfortunate haircut which is shown here...
