essay time

aite, this is gonna take a long time to read. so here's some mood music:

and here we go:

Last night at intervarsity large group, the speaker delivered a message about shame and inadequacy…how Jesus takes something we’d consider shameful and transforms it into something that glorifies him. He referenced john 2:1-11, a story in which a family runs out of wine at a wedding (meaning they overestimated their abilities to supply for a party) but homeboy Jesus transforms water into wine and saves them from public humiliation. But the bigger message is that in the big picture, Jesus steps in and turns our insecurrrities into glorifying lessons. 

At the time, I didn’t think much of the message. Maybe a couple of weeks ago there was a message that I felt applied to events I had already experienced…but last night I found the message to be applicable to something that happened after the message was delivered…if that makes sense. 

so after large group we played Munchkin, this nerdtastic game that can get really exciting and hurt people’s feelings…it’s great. Afterwards, a couple of us went to get some food at la burrita whereupon we basically witnessed this vocalized tussle between this loudmouthed, ignorant fool and some other dude. So we’re waiting for our food and basically the instigator of this smackdown starts addressing us…and for the most part I’m feigning deafness and ignoring him…but there was definitely a point where my heart started beating faster and I could feel my anxiety sweats kicking in…basically all my fight or flight instincts. Anyway, the logistics of the throwdown is not the focus of this essay, so imma end the story there.

Basically afterwards I couldn’t sleep and I was just lying in my bed thinking…and that’s when the shame and inadequacy message kicked in. 

See, I feel like if anyone else were in my position during the situation, they’d be focusing on self-restraint, making sure they wouldn’t lose they cool and immediately knock out the said loud man. But, honestly, I wasn’t. I don’t get angry…Someone asked me when the last time I got angry was…and the last time I got sincerely angry is when one of the 7-year olds at day camp made fun of another kid…kinda inane, yeah? I think most people would say it’s “good” to be quick to listen and slow to anger, but when I think about my own hesitation, I’ve always viewed it as cowardice. That, unlike most guys, I’d be scared in a fight. I can think of three significant confrontations where violence seemed imminent and in all of them, I feel like I was never the first one to step in. first, in sophomore year I was at a party when shoving started happening and then when one side started mentioning the guns they were about to bust out, I was just about ready to up and leave that place. Then, maybe two weeks later my family was walking back to our car after a Chinese new year dinner and this car almost backed up into my little cousin…so our uncle is yelling at the driver and he’s yelling back and people are holding people back… now, don’t get me wrong…if a fight were ever to break out, I’d for sure jump in and bust out some capoeira slash green-belt tae-kwon-do SKILLZ with a capital S-K-I-L-L-Z…cause I got your back like that… but I avoid violence until it becomes a self defense kinda thang. 

Okay, so back to shame and inadequacy….so as I’m lying in bed thinking of these things, I just felt ashamed…cause in my mind I was not fitting the mold of the Protector I feel like the world wants all guys to be…and it’s been a kind of common thread in my life…not fitting the mold, that is. 

I wrote one of my college personal statements on it: 

“Thursdays meant basketball practice. Therefore, Thursdays were a day to dread. It was apparent that even as a little kid, I lacked the bare-minimum skill that even peewee basketball required. And still, I endured six years of being benched, yelled at, and humiliated. Evidently, my “effort” wasn’t enough. I was certain that in order to live up to my fabricated image of boyhood I had to train myself to become an athlete. Basketball brought me no satisfaction, yet I was determined to prove I was athletically adept. 

However, my family eventually stepped in to show me my dream’s hollow nature. When I was in middle school, they confessed they could see me beating myself up for something they knew I didn’t want. They explained that I did not have to fit a certain mold or live up to a particular standard in order to be content. The bottom line was that if I were forced to do something I didn’t enjoy, it would be meaningless. I finally quit basketball and immediately felt relieved and unburdened……” then it goes into some lame conclusion that’s irrelevant. 

Yeah…when I was growing up I felt like such an unconventional boy. My brother played with the GI Joes and watched batman on Saturday mornings, I think I had animal figurines (holla!). and I always thought my relatives found it odd when I told them I stopped playing basketball and started dancing… I knew what made me happy and I stuck with it, but I was aware that I was going against the grain. 

And that’s where Jesus steps in. He says “MasterSamuel, YOU is my beloved.” in past weeks I’ve begun to realize that we don’t need to prove anything to anybody. We studied the passage about Jesus’s temptation, and he did not need to complete any of Satan’s challenges to prove He was the Son of God. During his baptism, He was acknowledged by God as His Son, whom He loves (Jesus hadn’t even started his ministry yet, hadn’t done anything visibly miraculous, I don’t think…and still God done love him)….and that’s enough. It’s enough for me too! God does not need us to do anything to prove our worth…i don’t need to get into the college i think i need to go to, or get into a dance crew, or gospel choir, or get re-elected for student council (oooh wee that was a tough time though), or be anything I thought I needed to be. I am God’s beloved creation, and that’s enough. And when we sometimes think it isn’t enough, and are feeling crummy about things, Jesus steps in and trades our shame and sorrow for something better – Him!

So I know this may come off as either a) incoherent or b) preachy, so I apologize. I’m pretty sure I didn’t articulate everything as clearly as I would’ve hoped to…that’s why I only bust out the Cry Me a River essays every now and then. 

“this is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us…” 1john 4:10

GOD, WHY YOU SO EGGZELLENT FOR?

AMENDMENTS:

-now I don’t think this means I’m gonna settle with being a coward, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7) so God is on my side…with a spirit of POWER…that’s good stuff!!!